Swine flu. Run for my life!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
