at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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