Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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