I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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