The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
