That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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