The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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