I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
