dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
