I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
