Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
