I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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