Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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