This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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