It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
