Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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