dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Say something about gay babies.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
