You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
