there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My dick has a subreddit
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
