I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Boobs speak an international language.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
