We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I am naked and annoyed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
