Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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