Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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