my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
