I think my fart just growled at me.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
