I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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