Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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