Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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