I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
