Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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