it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize