yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
