i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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