i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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