Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
