I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
