Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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