The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
