ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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