Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
