it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Please don't give away my fajitas
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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