hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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