I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
