no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
