He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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