Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
