Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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