I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
