3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
