My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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