i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
