I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
